


One Last Time

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-15
Updated: 2004-05-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:04:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A gap filler for the bed scene in episode #220.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Why do you do this to yourself, Brian? Never believe in love. You've let yourself go, started to believe…in…something...and now, after all this...he's letting go. Should have seen this coming. I can't give him what he wants. Never said I could. Never thought I would. And here I am lying awake...it's after 3. Wondering. Hoping. That he'll slide open that door, come back to me, and things will go on. We’ll survive this. If he wants us to…

But that's not what he wants...he wants flowers, and picnics and romantic getaways. That's not me...I can't do those things for him. I can't love him that way. He should know by now. I can never be what he wants me to be. So I should let him go...let him run to that kid. Hell he's not that bad. Not as hot as me, but who is? Justin will find that out.

He thinks I don't love him? Stupid twat. Then why are my eyes refusing to close, transfixed on a door that may not open…a door that might be closed…forever? Why do I have this strange feeling, like something has gone and it is never coming back?

I look over at the empty space beside me. These past few nights I've been falling asleep with it just like that…empty. He crawls in late, after I’ve gone to bed and we lay together wrapped in each other’s arms. But, there is a void...a distance, an uneasiness...I feel it and I know he's hurt. My cheeks feel numb and my eyes almost start to water.

Fuck.

Perfect timing, Sunshine.

The door slides open and there he is. Looking tired, sad, confused. He looks at me. Does he know that I've been waiting for him? I don't want to look at him...to make this any more uncomfortable. But I need to. To show him that I know this isn't where he wants to be...that I'm not what he wants right now…maybe never...shit…my eyes are starting to burn but I...I just need to touch him...want to comfort him...hold him…for…the last time.

There's irony in the fact you are most silent when you have the most to say. I've never felt so overwhelmed by the sight of him. He's never stirred so much emotion in me. Why can't I just ask him to stay?

He stands still at the base of the stairs. Waiting for me to make a move. Not sure if his feet can carry him up to this bed. Not sure if I'll allow them to. Head propped up slightly against the wall, my eyes are heavy with pain and sleep, but I keep them open…don’t want to lose sight of him. Never let them off of him. Let them trace every inch of his familiar body. Let them soak him in. This could be the last time my eyes will ever get to look at him this way.

His skin glows pale blue as moonlight dances lightly on its surface. He stares and he waits. Needs permission. I can't give it yet, but I soften my look. He makes his first move. One foot after the other, he walks the familiar path up to the bed. A trek he's made a million times before, but so new and different tonight because it hurts him. I can see the pain in each heavy step. I watch the anguish wash across his face. Watch him gulp hard, swallow the guilt.

He lifts his shirt over his head. A shirt I've seen him wear a thousand times before, but tonight somehow…it’s different. He takes off his pants and his shoes and his socks. Leaving them all in a messy pile at the foot of the bed. His clothes usually end up all over the loft, wherever I throw them as I ravage him. But tonight they sit in a sad little heap below him. His eyes never leave mine.

He's better than this. Than us. He deserves more and we both know it. But can I just let him walk away? Screw Ethan, screw all of it...just come lie in this bed with me…in our bed. Hide under these warm sheets. Lie next to me for eternity. Let me listen to you breathe. I would freeze this moment if I could. Have us stay here forever. Never talking, never moving, never hurting, never knowing...what anything else is like…outside of this bed. Stay here with me Justin. Just stay.

I toss back the sheets and duvet in a butterfly welcome. My invitation makes his eyes soften and his shoulders slump. Relief washes over his face. I offer him safety, in our bed and in my arms. A comfort he only found with me, until recently. Does he keep you safe Justin? Does Ethan make you breathe easy?

Leaving his underwear on (we both know there won’t be any sex tonight), he crawls up toward me from the base of the bed. He looks like a small child seeking comfort from their mother after having a bad dream. I wish this were only a bad dream.

Back facing me he moves in closer than I expect. He needs to feel me now as much as I need to feel him. I lay the duvet down on top of him softly. Then I push it off his arms and run my hand over his skin. I touch both of his arms lightly and his fingers a little. I let my hand barely trace the shape of him.


	2. One Last Time

I don’t see his face, but I can tell his eyes are still open. I can hear his breathing hasn’t settled and his heart is racing a little. I inch closer to him and he settles back into my body. I’ve spooned him a thousand times before, it’s become our typical method of sleep, but it’s so different tonight…knowing…it’s the last time.

I just barely hear him gulp and then smack his lips. He’s probably fighting back tears. There’s so much I want to say, but I eat every word. The loft has never been so loud and so quiet all at the same time.

Save for our breathing and the city noise six stories below we lay in silence, but the voice in my head is screaming. I can almost hear his anxiety, his indecision, his guilt, anger, hurt, love, hate…all tumbling around his brain. Making it hard to sleep. Making it hard to be still in my arms.

Strange to know I could press my lips to his ear and whisper three little magic words and make it better. Something so simple could change the course of history. I could make tonight something different with a tiny utterance of love. I could make our lives something different with one profession of something…that is…true.

But I won’t, can’t, don’t…if he doesn’t feel that I love him…right now…in this bed…in this life…words aren’t going to change that. Shouldn’t change that. He doesn’t know anything.

Pressing my nose to the back of his head, I close my eyes and suck in a deep breath. I want to bottle his smell. Carry it around with me forever. How will I ever wash these sheets when he’s gone? I don’t ever want to forget his scent.

Holding him a little tighter I feel him relax just a tiny bit. That’s it…settle into me. He can feel now I want to revel in this, don’t want to spoil it. Don’t want to fuck him, suck him, kiss him, talk to him…just want to lie here.

I want to memorize the way his body feels beside me. The rhythm of our breathing. The softness of his back against my belly. The way my body cups his so perfectly. The way his hair tickles my nose and fills my head with its sweet scent.

I want to memorize the way the moonlight pours inside our room and lies upon his body. The way our legs entwine and tangle beneath me. The hollow of his back, the arch of his spine and the lacing of his fingers in mine.

I bite my lower lip and hope he doesn’t feel me do it with my lips so close to his head. I’m not going to cry over this kid, over this moment. I knew we wouldn’t always be this way. I knew he’d need to get on with his life soon enough. Just didn’t know it would be…so…soon.

I almost shake my head, willing away the thoughts of him. He’s right here next to me, but I just want to forget. I want to get so lost inside of this moment that I don’t think about anything that came before, or anything that is going to come after. After…god, what is going to come after this?

You had to do this to me didn’t you Justin? You had to spend a year breaking down my walls…figuring me out…eating away at me…loving me…never giving up on me…making yourself mean something to me. Couldn’t have left a good fuck alone. Now look where we are. Look where you’ve put us. I didn’t do this Justin. I didn’t ask for this. Fuck, I…did…not…ask…for…this.

I feel his body twitch in front of me. Maybe he’s uncomfortable, but he’s scared to move. He’s scared that something might break if he breathes too loudly or moves too quickly or thinks too deeply. It’s broken Justin, it’s already broken…do what you need to do.

I shift behind him, leaving more space, hoping to make him more comfortable. Although, I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m worried about HIS comfort level. When I move back, he moves back. I’m impressed by his willingness to be close to me. He’s worked so hard to push me away.

My dick stirs beneath these cool blue sheets and I move, almost imperceptibly, to make sure it doesn’t touch him. I’m not turned on, but being near him…it’s my natural reaction. We’re naked, we’re in bed…my body knows what is suppose to be happening here. My mind must not be communicating with my dick tonight. It rarely is.

I bite my lower lip and will my dick to soften. I don’t want to fuck him, I don’t want to be inside of him, I don’t want to taste him…kiss him…touch him…run my hands over his back…run my lips over his shoulders…run my tongue over his dick. I just…want…to…FUCK, I just want to not feel this anymore.


End file.
